Why Is Tone Important?
We’ve heard it said, “It’s not what you say but how you say it.”
In his book, The Relationship Cure, Dr. Gottman reveals that when it comes to assessing the meaning of communication in relationships, only 7% of that meaning comes from the spoken word, while 38% comes from tone of voice and speech patterns. Words that may seem neutral can become incendiary if spoken with a sarcastic, demeaning or contemptuous tone of voice, causing the listener to feel hurt and disrespected.
If how we speak to our partner can determine our relationship’s future, what are the steps we can take to better our tone?
Here are 4 things to remember:
PITCH
Your pitch is how high or how low your voice can fluctuate. An overly high-pitched voice can suggest immaturity and defensiveness. And if you end a sentence using a higher pitch, that can sound more like a question instead of an affirmative statement, which will only leave your partner feeling confused.
PACE
How quickly or slowly do you speak when you and your partner are in the middle of an argument? In addition to fine-tuning your talking tone, you must also be mindful of your pace. When you slow down, you can help your partner understand what you are saying and they will be better able to absorb your message. Going too slow, however, can be construed as demeaning and offensive. To really get your message across, focus on articulating and conveying your message as clearly as possible by speaking at a steady, even pace.
VOLUME
This should go without saying: Yelling at your partner will just fire back at you, either causing them to yell back or retreat from the conversation entirely. Instead of raising your voice, if you want to emphasize something, try slowing the pace of your words. Pause to highlight major points or to give your partner time to take in your point.
TIMBRE
This is the emotional quality of your talking tone – the attitude you bring to what you say. Your partner will use this to build their understanding of what you are saying. Practice managing your voice and taking note of how you sound (i.e., frustrated, rushed, happy, sad). This will help you become more aware of the way your attitude is filtered through the inflections of your voice.
*Excerpts from TonyRobbins.com
